When Your Body Betrays You
The body holds the wisdom of generations in every single cell.
The body holds the knowing of every body of water throughout all of evolution crying out through the deep.
The body cries through dreams of traumas not always our own but of grandmas and great grandmas before us.
The body remembers the wisdom of ancestors living by community and nature and raw human tribalism. The body is a temporary vessel that knows that all things must come and go in cycles.
The body experiences pain to reveal to us the meaning of pleasure, the heights and depths of human existence and the heroic journey we must all face.
I imagine the body is also connected through an invisible network to the collective in the same way that trees in the forest are connected by mycelium underground. I imagine that the body expresses the pain of the collective, aching to be seen and tended to.
The body is a sacred vessel through which we experience god and connection to all beings through simply being.
The body rebels against our finite ideas of social roles and responsibilities. The body knows that it is nature. The body knows that it is a direct reflection of the universe.
The body knows that it does not need to be healthy to be good.
The body knows that the universe is beautiful in it's cycles of dying and rebirthing, always returning to source.
The body is intimately connected to a story much bigger than the ones passed down to us.
Whether we know it or not, our bodies are always acting on our highest behalf to usher us into wholeness. In the very moment we tap into the body, the body reveals the higher grace, higher truth, love story, universal connection. The body is always acting in this realm. We just believe the stories that were passed down to us. We believe them so much, we destroy, hate, ignore, disbelieve, and reject our bodies.
Even still, the body screams to be seen for it's holy reverent powerful beautiful unconditional universal eternal love truths hidden in plain sight. When the body produces pain, it is not punishment. It's something else entirely. I have physical pain that consistently shows up, even when I've been listening...even when I've been "trying my best". A complex reaction occurs inside of me when pain arises. It's different for everyone. I often punish my body even more, trying to fix it...to change it, force it. Through more listening, I realized I was only hurting myself more. So now, I have a rage. I get mad at my body. I get really really f*cking mad. I go crazy. Then, when my rage is through me, I say, "ok...now it's time to listen. Now it's time to be kind. To be gentle. And just feel." That's when I tap into the body and make peace with how my life has to change. I have to move slower. I have to give up things I didn't want to give up. I have to be vulnerable and let people know how it limits me. I have to order my life around my body's needs, and this teaches me the greater story, the higher grace. There is no power outside of me higher than the authority given to me by my body.
If my body cannot do the dishes, I do not do the dishes. Absolute body authority. I order my life around it. Change everything according to it's needs and limitations and move only in accordance with her abilities. My physical pain flare ups are not cancer. I don't have the worst chronic pain. I'd imagine this body betrayal would require a hell of a lot more rage. It may require months or years of coming to terms and making peace with what your body needs now. It may require even more time, maybe a lifetime, to relearn how to reorder your life around your body's limitations. I will be spending my own lifetime learning how to reorder my life according to absolute body authority. The body is a moving universe, so the needs change from moment to moment. But I do know, that even when our bodies betray us, they aren't punishing us. They are a reflection of the greater cosmos always asking for our unconditional love, screaming and crying out for unconditional love for every part of ourselves.
Our bodies tell the stories of the generations before us, and they hold the unscreamed screams of your lineage, perhaps even of the collective as a whole. The way you honor and hold your the cancer in your body is a high gift, a multifaceted treasure you give to, not only yourself, but the whole world... Especially the world of those in body pain. This isn't a story of self sacrifice. It's not a story of getting injured in order to become a savior. It's a story of unconditional love for every potential experience that can be had in the cosmos and a deeply known and felt connection to all beings.
You hold a treasured timeless secret. You bear gifts no other person can bear. You have medicine no other person can give. You concoct a salve, a treasure beyond words, imagination, or understanding because you know what it is to love. And yes, that may mean that lots of shit does not get done.
That may mean you lay holed up in bed for days or months on end. That may mean you ask people who love you to reorder parts of their life in order to protect your body, and if their bodies are not able to work with your body, you'll find compromises and clever fixes.
You'll likely face society's judging eye. There will be people who make you feel guilty, and the story that was passed down to you will come like a demon screaming in your ears that you aren't good enough, and
You will learn to say LOOK!!!!! HERE IS MY BODY. MY BODY SPEAKS, AND I LISTEN.
and there will never be a greater power that can overcome you, no shame too great to take over, no demand or pressure too great because your body will be, as it always has been, like a warrior, a queen, a king, the highest authority, a temple of god.
And you will learn to trust bit by bit that your body will ALWAYS be existing on your highest behalf.
The body becomes the highest authority. It is a vessel of love holding your spirit. It's wisdom is connected to God, a direct reflection of the cosmos and all things eternal and cyclical.
Through it's authority, we learn who we are, we understand god and the nature of the universe, we stand in it's power by listening to it, and we learn to trust ourselves again.