she left my books out in the rain

She left my books out in the rain

I wake up frozen. I told my therapist it’s like waking up with a racing heart while trying to resuscitate a paralyzed body. Cannot move. Short quick chest breaths. I could stay here for hours like this. And I do.

Today will be just like yesterday, and that’s the worst part of all. My mind will think the same thoughts. Coffee for breakfast. Feeling bad for an hour or two. Forcing my body into motion only to hate everything that I do and get nothing important done at all. Thoughts of her.

I need a better word for “healing journey”. People think I’m trying to fix something that is broken. People think that, when I recommend it to them, what I’m really saying is, “Your humanity is too much for me. Hmu when you are easier to handle.”

What it really means is: crying into a cup of coffee skipping church on Sunday.

stuffing your face with chocolates and asking that voice of shame to step aside because this is the only way your body has ever given you pleasure. You’re trying to relearn it, but it’s going to take time to give her what she really needs…for the new thing to be as good as a mouthful of chocolates alone in my bedroom.

Unleashing your rage into a such a tirade that you allow your body and mind to envision cutting off her head with a guillotine because that’s how bad it hurt.

Pouting like a child. Allowing your face to look that ugly even when it feels so ugly to you.

Finding so much clarity, ease, and relief in what you love, in an orgasm, in a coffee date, in a painting project that you just know what comes next. You just know it won’t be what yesterday was because that was never your reality-prison anyways.

Listening to Ordinary World by Joy Williams because it still hurts even years later. And that’s okay. Maybe that’s even beautiful.

Maybe therapy isn’t about getting rid of your humanness but reclaiming the freedom in your humanness so fully that nothing can come between you, your spirit, your body, your soul, and your higher power deep-bone-knowing and explicit-unconditional-love for ALL OF YOU.

But…the point of this blog post was to share with you how I work with my racing heart and paralyzed body.

It starts in the morning with an hourlong practice of just being with my body. (Wow…what a beautiful statement that my body gave me. Oh, I might cry. I’m listening to “Out Loud” by Syd, Kehlani and oh it’s a vibe.)

This being with my body morning practice is freeform. It’s all about meeting my feelings wherever they are, which means I am not altering anything about myself. I’m not trying to quiet my mind, rather, meet the feelings behind the thinking. Meet the bodily sensations behind the twirling tornadic windy thoughts that constantly swirl with me.

The only rule is to connect to body and breath and feeling. I usually have to stay with some pretty difficult feelings and remind myself that they are temporary and will pass, but it’s so important to let them take shape and move through me naturally.

What I have found is that my fascia is most keen to be met and held in this space. It usually starts with belly breaths where I call back my spirit to my body. My soul seems to journey to so many wild places during my dreams, and this can make me feel disconnected and panicked when I wake. With each breath, I call back my spirit and soul and bring awareness into my lower belly.

I then typically follow the teaching of Ting Ting Guan and allow my breath to follow a wave pattern from my root chakra, belly, abdomen, then chest area. This is really when I notice my body reconnecting to the present moment.

Usually at this point, my body is ready for movement. You know how good a morning stretch feels? This is my practice essentially. Everywhere throughout my body, I follow that goodness and bring my fascia into such a powerful, slow-moving stretch and movement.

My orgasm was hijacked by early childhood trauma. This practice has helped me reclaim my own orgasm in a somatic way. Through this pleasurable bodily movement and breath/feeling connection, I have actually experienced multiple somatic orgasms because the entire point of this practice is to just follow the body’s pleasure and needs. It’s wildly fantastic and has reset my brain patterns that had been so deeply and non-consensually rooted in traumatic fantasies.

I love that for me. Maybe you need it for you too?

This is the first practice. I do it “first thing in the morning” (….sometimes after breakfast, walking the dogs, and showering). The first practice is all about reconnection and opening up the possibilities of my day. I’ll spend the next blog telling you all about how I move that anxious energy through my heart space.

For now, I hope you found something helpful. If you did, please let me know. If you have questions, don’t hesitate to ask.